Plans, Schmans

I love making plans. Plans to go to the movies, to go out to dinner, to meet someone for coffee...
plans for my career, like actually starting my Master's, working with young women, getting my counseling degree...
plans for the future, going on vacation, getting married, having kids....

I love 'em.

Lately I have been thinking about how difficult it can be to have my plans work out. Now, don't get me wrong, I honestly love the way that life has worked out so far. Yes, I haven't been able to start my Master's at Western (which is what I planned on moving to the bay area to do), but I have a job with children that challenges me every day.
However, I have been challenged by the thought of what happens if my other plans don't work out. What if I die before i can get married? Or can't stay healthy enough to have kids?

But here's the thing...having Lupus, or no spleen, or a mass in my brain, or a potential heart condition doesn't "increase my odds" of none of this happening. Because there are no odds. There is only sovereignty. And I LOVE that.

One of my favorite pastors to listen to, Matt Chandler, was diagnosed with a brain tumor in November of 2009. I was listening to one of his sermons shortly after it happened, and he said something that always stuck with me. I'm going to paraphrase: He wife asked his Doctor, who was a Christian, for the best and worse case scenario. The Doctor said, "best case scenario, you do chemo, you do radiation, it all works, and the cancer is gone. Worst case scenario, you die in a car crash on the way home."

Being diagnosed with a plethora of health problems doesn't mean something for my future other than i have health problems.

I definitely need to remind mind myself of this truth daily in prayer.

Workin workin workin

Today is day 3 back at work! Yesterday was a looong day. 12 hours. I am tired. Hence me blogging during my little break.

Overall, I do not like missing work. Because I love my kids. Its draining, but I love them.

I work at a Group Home for abused and neglected foster children. They have such a variety of backgrounds, family situations, medical situations and mental health disorders....its a world I knew nothing about until I started working in it. Another day I will be specific about what I do everyday, but not today.

Today and yesterday I was thinking of something I read that Martin Luther said: that one day he got up and realized how much he had to do and prayed for three hours instead of two.
There are lots of days that I wake up and immediately start thinking (okay, probably worrying) about the kids and what they have going on. Luther reminds me that on those days I need to take extra time to pray for them, to pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit.

Funny, its honestly easier for me to trust the Lord with the craziness in my life than it is with these kids. Can't say why really.

At any rate, I am feeling much better! No fever, cough almost gone and just a few days left of antibiotics. Have an appointment to see my Rheumotologist (my lupus doctor) on Saturday, so that'll be fun. He's a genius. Maybe I will talk about him later this week too. For now, I am going back to work though!

the Discipline of Grace

I know Jerry Bridges has a book by the same title.... i think I need to read it.

When I am in the hospital, when I am out of the hospital....realistically all of the time, I tend to make life about me. What I "need," what I "want," and expect the people I love to be those things and do those things for me. However, life doesn't work that way. People aren't created to meet our needs, they are not meant to do things for me. So why then do I expect this sometimes? I think one of the more difficult things about being in the hospital, as dumb as this may sound, is that life goes on outside of what I am experiencing. And my confession is that I have to work to accept that. I need to learn how to be a servant in what I am experiencing, not just to be served.

There are times where I know I am being selfish, and I need to work on just asking the Lord for grace in that moment. Grace for my selfishness, and mercy that I can move past it.

Progressive sanctification is a discipline. Its work. And its also a work of the heart, one that I need to pray for more.

I'll go back to work tomorrow, now a week behind, and remember that I am not needed there, that the Lord is using me there. And I will accept care and help and service from others, because it is something the Lord has provided me with right now. And I will pray, daily I hope, that grace would take root in my heart.

Home again

Well, this morning, they said hat i hadn't spike a a fever in 48 hours and that the echocardiogram came back clean (meaning there was no bacteria around my heart).

I had developed the sepsis from pneumo-strep bacterica. This was the same kind of bacteria that I had gotten back in April, but since we were able to catch it much much sooner, it wasn't nearly as bad.

They gave me another round of IV antibiotics and sent me on my way home at about 430 this afternoon.

Overall, this was a much easier trip than the last few, we caught it early, so it wasn't that serious and i was in and out of the hospital in four days.

Because it was so quick and not as serious it still doesn't feel like it was that big of a medical deal to me. But I think opening up this blog to everyone, and sharing what has been going on has been a bigger deal than anything else. That may be weird to you, but I am pretty used to medical chaos....what I am not used to is letting people in on it and sharing what the Lord is teaching me or sometimes feels like not teaching me.

Who knows where this will go from now. I pray that the Lord will continue to guide my heart and words on this interesting path of lupus and life and encouragement and challenges and at times...confusion.

9 pm update

hey all!!!

so it turns out that i have a pneumo-strep bacterial infection. which is actually the same bacteria i had last april when i had septic shock. but praise the Lord because we caught it sooner this time. I will stay here until thursday night so that the IV antibiotics can run their course.

on another note, a little bit of fear was creeping in today. I was told that I would be leaving the ICU tomorrow and possibly going to the telemetry floor, which is where I got gangreen last time I was in this hospital. I don't really trust the doctors or nurses on that floor to provide adequate care. I am trying to trust the Lord with this, and trying to remember that ALL of this is in His hands, completely and totally.

I am becoming a little impatient and frustrated just with the circumstances and getting tired. So restored joy and patience is what I will be praying for tonight.

And I will be praising the Lord for answers and a plan for recovery.

Noon update

My blood pressure is stable and i am all the way off that medication! yay!

Havent had a fever in the last 12 hours, yay!

They need me to stay here until they run a full course of IV antibiotics on my because as they doctor said, I 'have a nasty bacterial infection coursing through my bloodstream."

Had an echocardiogram today to check if the bacteria was around my heart, but havent heard back on that yet.

thats all for now! thanks for praying!

oh my gosh

kinda freaking out that i just linked this blog to facebook.

definitely not my thing.

when the Holy Spirit prompts, He prompts.

maybe you can pray for confidence and humility too please? :)

Kaiser, sweet Kaiser...permanente that is

Well, in the interest of keeping all if my faithful friends and people praying for me updated, I thought I would share my blog with you, and I will update it as we learn.

Driving home from slo after a purely fabulous wedding, that was beautiful and fun, I started to feel crummy. Started taking my temp and it went from 98.7 to 103.2 in two hours, so bry drove me straight to the hospital, praying for me and keeping me calm.

I started throwing up (dano I brought you home firestone but that was the only bag in the car....I think you catch my drift. Lol. Sorry boo) and we called to let them know we were coming and got seen right away. Did blood cultures, had a spinal tap that came back normal! Yay. Had a Head CT, which was also normal. Got admitted to ICU because of my medical craziness and really low blood pressure and high heart rate.

yes we did ask the nurse if there was a fan i could sleep with.

Fever kept spiking then coming down overnight.

Today the blood culture showed a bacterial infection, but they don't know what kind of bacteria it is yet.

Did an abdominal CT, and that came back normal.

So for now, they are trying to keep the blood pressure stable and find the source of the bacteria.

If you could pray for my heart to be dwelling and resting in 2 Corinthians 4 I would be very blessed by that.

Also for my family, that they would be able to rest in the Lord.

And for work, I want to get back! :)

Thank you all, I will keep you posted!

Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord!

My last few posts have been recalling the events of a year ago. But today, I want to Praise the Lord!!!! (well, everyday...but would love for you to join me in it today)

Because I have not been to the hospital in 6 months, 3 weeks and 6 days! wahoooo!

my dear friend Noelle and I chasing after birds at the beach house after 6

months of hospital free!

I praise the Lord for the times that I am blessed to be without pain, and without hospitals because it makes me so excited for an eternity to be spent that way! And lets be honest, it..... funny.... I was going to say gives more freedom, but freedom in Christ is found even when I cant get out of bed.... was going to say comfort, but some of the times that i have felt most comforted have been when i am crying out to God in the hospital. haha, guess i got humbled when trying to be funny.

its like a win win. ( i was humbles, you didn't have to tolerate my miserable attempts at being humorous)

Ahhhh, Sweet November

Today is November 11, but I LOVE November 12.

on November 11 of 2009, I had been transferred out of the ICU at Kaiser in Redwood City. I had just found out that I had a mass on my brain and had an

other miraculous recovery.

I wake up from a coma and try to break up with boyfriend (of four months at the time)

On November 12, 2009...he told me he loved me. I ask him if he is sure. He says he is. I ask him why. He tells me why. I ask a few more questions. I tell him we will have to go out to dinner to celebrate when I get out the hospital. He says he can't wait.

We wait four more days until I get out. Then three more days until I have enough strength to walk from the car to the restaurant. Then we talk.

me and Bry out to dinner that night

This amazing man of God tells me how grateful he is for what we have been through over the last 3 weeks. We talk about how much we have both learned, grown, prayed, been challenged and surrendered.

This begins a pattern... a pattern of him trusting the Lord's sovereignty above anything and everything else. Of him pointing me to it when I get lost, of both of us learning to trust Romans 8:28 with all of our hearts. Of learning that our good does not mean our comfort, of learning that love is so sacrificial.

I thought it was crazy...that he would choose to love someone that had so many medical issues, that could/would probably die young, that would have medical bills and health insurance bills and a boatload of other issues, why would he choose to love me, of all people? Thought it was crazy.

Thought about it a lot over the last year. Realized it wasn't crazy. It is a small glimpse into the love God had for us. Whyyyyy on earth would God choose to save and love me? Me who has sinned since birth, and will go on doing so until death. I... who amongst a myriad of other sins fail to proclaim the great glory of God in the fact that I am even still alive. Why choose me?

Grace and Love are beautiful aren't they?

So thanks Bry, a year ago tomorrow you told me you loved me. Thanks for taking me out and letting me take a picture that night, but mostly, praise the Lord for the grace and mercy and love he has given you, and me.

Almost 1 year later

Halloween is coming soon. I don't dislike Halloween. I don't even dislike what Halloween reminds me of. But I can't deny that it reminds me of something. No, not something... a lot of somethings. A certain time, or rather...an uncertain time.

Halloween night 2009....a little foreshadowing perhaps? :)

The day after after Halloween last year I didn't feel so good. Providencially, I had an opthomology apppointment on November 2nd for this "little vision problem" i had been having for about six weeks. The opthomologist was concerned and sent me to a neurologist. Actually, my neurologist whom i had seen about four years before when I had hydrocephalus. The neurologist took one look at the pictures from the opthomologist, and said yup, you are getting admitted to the hospital. I didn't mind because I already had a fever of 102 and for a girl with lupus and no spleen, i really oughta be in there anyway.

They had to admit me because they needed to check and see how much pressure was in my brain, and in order to do that they had to do a spinal tap (lumbar puncture). Wellp, I had been on a blood thinner medication for 6 months because of a blood clot in my brain found in April of that year. Sooo, they weren't gonna tap my spine until I wouldn't bleed profusely because of it.

They admitted me, my fever raged to 105. No exaggeration. I had to lay under an ice blanket for 6 hours. The most painful 6 hours of my life to date. Meanwhile, I had a blood transfusion to help thicken my blood to prepare for the spinal tap. aaaaaand, got an infection in my lungs from the transfusion. Lungs began to fill up with fluid, fever was still raging, still had something putting massive pressure on my brain. So, what to do but put me in a medically induced coma. Again, fine by me cause lets be honest, at this point I really wasn't feeling up to breathing on my own.

So, they put me on the ventillator. Translation, huge tube down my throat and little machine pumping my lungs for me. (I do NOT like this tube) and start doing the LPs. (lumbar punctures). The pressure if off the charts, literally....they can't even measure it. They do 5 more in the next 4 days. (OUCH!!) The doctors in Walnut Creek decide to transfer me to Redwood City Kaiser, because the neurological geniuses work there.

Kaiser Redwood City is where I remember waking up. In an MRI machine actually. I am told that I was awake before this, but as I say..this is where I remember waking up.

Neurogeniuses explain that what I have in my brain is not a tumor, its a mass, that at this time, is full of fluid. They decide not to operate, but instead pump me full of drugs to try to bring the pressure down. All the while, constantly asking me questions to check my brain function (insert sarcastic comment regarding my intelligence here.)

By a work of the Lord, the pressure begins to lighten. Neurogeniuses are stumped. They all tell me, I am a miracle. After a week in Redwood City, I get to go home. MRIs to follow every two months, then three months, and now at this point only one every six months.

Everytime I have spoken to the neurologist in the last year he tells me something along the lines of "you are lucky to be alive" or "there is just no explanation."

I will explain. Doctors, family and myself were all uncertain about what was going on and what was happening. My Creator, was not at all uncertain. He knows, He ordains, He allows, He controls, He rules everything. Life may seem uncertain to me at times, but those truths are not.