Plans, Schmans

I love making plans. Plans to go to the movies, to go out to dinner, to meet someone for coffee...
plans for my career, like actually starting my Master's, working with young women, getting my counseling degree...
plans for the future, going on vacation, getting married, having kids....

I love 'em.

Lately I have been thinking about how difficult it can be to have my plans work out. Now, don't get me wrong, I honestly love the way that life has worked out so far. Yes, I haven't been able to start my Master's at Western (which is what I planned on moving to the bay area to do), but I have a job with children that challenges me every day.
However, I have been challenged by the thought of what happens if my other plans don't work out. What if I die before i can get married? Or can't stay healthy enough to have kids?

But here's the thing...having Lupus, or no spleen, or a mass in my brain, or a potential heart condition doesn't "increase my odds" of none of this happening. Because there are no odds. There is only sovereignty. And I LOVE that.

One of my favorite pastors to listen to, Matt Chandler, was diagnosed with a brain tumor in November of 2009. I was listening to one of his sermons shortly after it happened, and he said something that always stuck with me. I'm going to paraphrase: He wife asked his Doctor, who was a Christian, for the best and worse case scenario. The Doctor said, "best case scenario, you do chemo, you do radiation, it all works, and the cancer is gone. Worst case scenario, you die in a car crash on the way home."

Being diagnosed with a plethora of health problems doesn't mean something for my future other than i have health problems.

I definitely need to remind mind myself of this truth daily in prayer.

Workin workin workin

Today is day 3 back at work! Yesterday was a looong day. 12 hours. I am tired. Hence me blogging during my little break.

Overall, I do not like missing work. Because I love my kids. Its draining, but I love them.

I work at a Group Home for abused and neglected foster children. They have such a variety of backgrounds, family situations, medical situations and mental health disorders....its a world I knew nothing about until I started working in it. Another day I will be specific about what I do everyday, but not today.

Today and yesterday I was thinking of something I read that Martin Luther said: that one day he got up and realized how much he had to do and prayed for three hours instead of two.
There are lots of days that I wake up and immediately start thinking (okay, probably worrying) about the kids and what they have going on. Luther reminds me that on those days I need to take extra time to pray for them, to pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit.

Funny, its honestly easier for me to trust the Lord with the craziness in my life than it is with these kids. Can't say why really.

At any rate, I am feeling much better! No fever, cough almost gone and just a few days left of antibiotics. Have an appointment to see my Rheumotologist (my lupus doctor) on Saturday, so that'll be fun. He's a genius. Maybe I will talk about him later this week too. For now, I am going back to work though!

the Discipline of Grace

I know Jerry Bridges has a book by the same title.... i think I need to read it.

When I am in the hospital, when I am out of the hospital....realistically all of the time, I tend to make life about me. What I "need," what I "want," and expect the people I love to be those things and do those things for me. However, life doesn't work that way. People aren't created to meet our needs, they are not meant to do things for me. So why then do I expect this sometimes? I think one of the more difficult things about being in the hospital, as dumb as this may sound, is that life goes on outside of what I am experiencing. And my confession is that I have to work to accept that. I need to learn how to be a servant in what I am experiencing, not just to be served.

There are times where I know I am being selfish, and I need to work on just asking the Lord for grace in that moment. Grace for my selfishness, and mercy that I can move past it.

Progressive sanctification is a discipline. Its work. And its also a work of the heart, one that I need to pray for more.

I'll go back to work tomorrow, now a week behind, and remember that I am not needed there, that the Lord is using me there. And I will accept care and help and service from others, because it is something the Lord has provided me with right now. And I will pray, daily I hope, that grace would take root in my heart.

Home again

Well, this morning, they said hat i hadn't spike a a fever in 48 hours and that the echocardiogram came back clean (meaning there was no bacteria around my heart).

I had developed the sepsis from pneumo-strep bacterica. This was the same kind of bacteria that I had gotten back in April, but since we were able to catch it much much sooner, it wasn't nearly as bad.

They gave me another round of IV antibiotics and sent me on my way home at about 430 this afternoon.

Overall, this was a much easier trip than the last few, we caught it early, so it wasn't that serious and i was in and out of the hospital in four days.

Because it was so quick and not as serious it still doesn't feel like it was that big of a medical deal to me. But I think opening up this blog to everyone, and sharing what has been going on has been a bigger deal than anything else. That may be weird to you, but I am pretty used to medical chaos....what I am not used to is letting people in on it and sharing what the Lord is teaching me or sometimes feels like not teaching me.

Who knows where this will go from now. I pray that the Lord will continue to guide my heart and words on this interesting path of lupus and life and encouragement and challenges and at times...confusion.