Reminder from Piper

real quick: stole this from John Piper's ministry's website (www.desiringgod.org). Its a sermon from 1998 on humility. Echoes what I was being reminded to pray about last week

James 4:13–17

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit”— 14 yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. 15 Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” 16 As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. 17 So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.

Humility agrees and is glad that God governs the beating of our hearts and our safe arrival at every destination. If we get there, God got us there. And if we don’t get there, God willed that we not get there. Humility gets down under this sovereign providence and nestles there gladly.

2010- Recap!

Well, 2010 is over...and it was awesome. I thought I would share a picture a month from the last year, let you all know some of what/who made this year so great!

Moved in with these beautiful, encouraging and amazing women in January.

They have been a source of encouragement, accountability and FUN all year long.

Went to Big Sur with this guy in February. I just love this picture of Bry.

He looks steady, and focused, and driven...and pretty cute too

Got a visit from this dear friend and goofball in March.

Alas, I don't have pictures from April. I spent the better part of April in the hospital. I hear there are pictures of me wile I was in the ICU on certain people's phones...but they have been firmly warned not to share them ;)

Got to celebrate kristin's graduation with my two favorites in May!

So proud of her!

Explored some of San Francisco and went on a picnic with Dano and Kristy

in June.

This guy again? :) Celebrated one year with Bryan in July.

Cruised the Caribbean with the fam in August!

Okay, I cheated...this is from August too. But I was blessed to stand next to

beautiful Rachel at her wedding in August.

No pictures from September...no real reason. I guess i just forgot to take some. Weird. It won't happen again.

Noelle and Tyler came to Pajaro with Bryan and I in October.

Lots of beach fun.

Got to see my bestest friend Jamie in November for Steve and Emily's wedding.

She lives in San Diego, so its not often we get to hang out...and have Tahoe Teas.

Had a raging Christmas party with the roomies in December.

I just wrote raging.

Twice.

And celebrated Christmas with my sisters and brother, and boyfriend and sister's boyfriend. Mom and Dad were there too...but for some reason they didnt make it into any of the pictures from that day.

All in all, 2010 was a challenging, but blessed year. I thank the Lord for all of the amazing people in my life. And all of the prayers from all of you.

Can't wait to see what 2011 brings. Thats so cliche. But I really am excited for it. Maybe I should have just said that. But saying I am excited for 2011 sounds cliche too..... oh well.

I am excited and can't wait to see what 2011 brings. hahahahaha.

Plans, Schmans

I love making plans. Plans to go to the movies, to go out to dinner, to meet someone for coffee...
plans for my career, like actually starting my Master's, working with young women, getting my counseling degree...
plans for the future, going on vacation, getting married, having kids....

I love 'em.

Lately I have been thinking about how difficult it can be to have my plans work out. Now, don't get me wrong, I honestly love the way that life has worked out so far. Yes, I haven't been able to start my Master's at Western (which is what I planned on moving to the bay area to do), but I have a job with children that challenges me every day.
However, I have been challenged by the thought of what happens if my other plans don't work out. What if I die before i can get married? Or can't stay healthy enough to have kids?

But here's the thing...having Lupus, or no spleen, or a mass in my brain, or a potential heart condition doesn't "increase my odds" of none of this happening. Because there are no odds. There is only sovereignty. And I LOVE that.

One of my favorite pastors to listen to, Matt Chandler, was diagnosed with a brain tumor in November of 2009. I was listening to one of his sermons shortly after it happened, and he said something that always stuck with me. I'm going to paraphrase: He wife asked his Doctor, who was a Christian, for the best and worse case scenario. The Doctor said, "best case scenario, you do chemo, you do radiation, it all works, and the cancer is gone. Worst case scenario, you die in a car crash on the way home."

Being diagnosed with a plethora of health problems doesn't mean something for my future other than i have health problems.

I definitely need to remind mind myself of this truth daily in prayer.

Workin workin workin

Today is day 3 back at work! Yesterday was a looong day. 12 hours. I am tired. Hence me blogging during my little break.

Overall, I do not like missing work. Because I love my kids. Its draining, but I love them.

I work at a Group Home for abused and neglected foster children. They have such a variety of backgrounds, family situations, medical situations and mental health disorders....its a world I knew nothing about until I started working in it. Another day I will be specific about what I do everyday, but not today.

Today and yesterday I was thinking of something I read that Martin Luther said: that one day he got up and realized how much he had to do and prayed for three hours instead of two.
There are lots of days that I wake up and immediately start thinking (okay, probably worrying) about the kids and what they have going on. Luther reminds me that on those days I need to take extra time to pray for them, to pray for the strength of the Holy Spirit.

Funny, its honestly easier for me to trust the Lord with the craziness in my life than it is with these kids. Can't say why really.

At any rate, I am feeling much better! No fever, cough almost gone and just a few days left of antibiotics. Have an appointment to see my Rheumotologist (my lupus doctor) on Saturday, so that'll be fun. He's a genius. Maybe I will talk about him later this week too. For now, I am going back to work though!

the Discipline of Grace

I know Jerry Bridges has a book by the same title.... i think I need to read it.

When I am in the hospital, when I am out of the hospital....realistically all of the time, I tend to make life about me. What I "need," what I "want," and expect the people I love to be those things and do those things for me. However, life doesn't work that way. People aren't created to meet our needs, they are not meant to do things for me. So why then do I expect this sometimes? I think one of the more difficult things about being in the hospital, as dumb as this may sound, is that life goes on outside of what I am experiencing. And my confession is that I have to work to accept that. I need to learn how to be a servant in what I am experiencing, not just to be served.

There are times where I know I am being selfish, and I need to work on just asking the Lord for grace in that moment. Grace for my selfishness, and mercy that I can move past it.

Progressive sanctification is a discipline. Its work. And its also a work of the heart, one that I need to pray for more.

I'll go back to work tomorrow, now a week behind, and remember that I am not needed there, that the Lord is using me there. And I will accept care and help and service from others, because it is something the Lord has provided me with right now. And I will pray, daily I hope, that grace would take root in my heart.

Home again

Well, this morning, they said hat i hadn't spike a a fever in 48 hours and that the echocardiogram came back clean (meaning there was no bacteria around my heart).

I had developed the sepsis from pneumo-strep bacterica. This was the same kind of bacteria that I had gotten back in April, but since we were able to catch it much much sooner, it wasn't nearly as bad.

They gave me another round of IV antibiotics and sent me on my way home at about 430 this afternoon.

Overall, this was a much easier trip than the last few, we caught it early, so it wasn't that serious and i was in and out of the hospital in four days.

Because it was so quick and not as serious it still doesn't feel like it was that big of a medical deal to me. But I think opening up this blog to everyone, and sharing what has been going on has been a bigger deal than anything else. That may be weird to you, but I am pretty used to medical chaos....what I am not used to is letting people in on it and sharing what the Lord is teaching me or sometimes feels like not teaching me.

Who knows where this will go from now. I pray that the Lord will continue to guide my heart and words on this interesting path of lupus and life and encouragement and challenges and at times...confusion.

9 pm update

hey all!!!

so it turns out that i have a pneumo-strep bacterial infection. which is actually the same bacteria i had last april when i had septic shock. but praise the Lord because we caught it sooner this time. I will stay here until thursday night so that the IV antibiotics can run their course.

on another note, a little bit of fear was creeping in today. I was told that I would be leaving the ICU tomorrow and possibly going to the telemetry floor, which is where I got gangreen last time I was in this hospital. I don't really trust the doctors or nurses on that floor to provide adequate care. I am trying to trust the Lord with this, and trying to remember that ALL of this is in His hands, completely and totally.

I am becoming a little impatient and frustrated just with the circumstances and getting tired. So restored joy and patience is what I will be praying for tonight.

And I will be praising the Lord for answers and a plan for recovery.