Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord!

My last few posts have been recalling the events of a year ago. But today, I want to Praise the Lord!!!! (well, everyday...but would love for you to join me in it today)

Because I have not been to the hospital in 6 months, 3 weeks and 6 days! wahoooo!

my dear friend Noelle and I chasing after birds at the beach house after 6

months of hospital free!

I praise the Lord for the times that I am blessed to be without pain, and without hospitals because it makes me so excited for an eternity to be spent that way! And lets be honest, it..... funny.... I was going to say gives more freedom, but freedom in Christ is found even when I cant get out of bed.... was going to say comfort, but some of the times that i have felt most comforted have been when i am crying out to God in the hospital. haha, guess i got humbled when trying to be funny.

its like a win win. ( i was humbles, you didn't have to tolerate my miserable attempts at being humorous)

Ahhhh, Sweet November

Today is November 11, but I LOVE November 12.

on November 11 of 2009, I had been transferred out of the ICU at Kaiser in Redwood City. I had just found out that I had a mass on my brain and had an

other miraculous recovery.

I wake up from a coma and try to break up with boyfriend (of four months at the time)

On November 12, 2009...he told me he loved me. I ask him if he is sure. He says he is. I ask him why. He tells me why. I ask a few more questions. I tell him we will have to go out to dinner to celebrate when I get out the hospital. He says he can't wait.

We wait four more days until I get out. Then three more days until I have enough strength to walk from the car to the restaurant. Then we talk.

me and Bry out to dinner that night

This amazing man of God tells me how grateful he is for what we have been through over the last 3 weeks. We talk about how much we have both learned, grown, prayed, been challenged and surrendered.

This begins a pattern... a pattern of him trusting the Lord's sovereignty above anything and everything else. Of him pointing me to it when I get lost, of both of us learning to trust Romans 8:28 with all of our hearts. Of learning that our good does not mean our comfort, of learning that love is so sacrificial.

I thought it was crazy...that he would choose to love someone that had so many medical issues, that could/would probably die young, that would have medical bills and health insurance bills and a boatload of other issues, why would he choose to love me, of all people? Thought it was crazy.

Thought about it a lot over the last year. Realized it wasn't crazy. It is a small glimpse into the love God had for us. Whyyyyy on earth would God choose to save and love me? Me who has sinned since birth, and will go on doing so until death. I... who amongst a myriad of other sins fail to proclaim the great glory of God in the fact that I am even still alive. Why choose me?

Grace and Love are beautiful aren't they?

So thanks Bry, a year ago tomorrow you told me you loved me. Thanks for taking me out and letting me take a picture that night, but mostly, praise the Lord for the grace and mercy and love he has given you, and me.

Almost 1 year later

Halloween is coming soon. I don't dislike Halloween. I don't even dislike what Halloween reminds me of. But I can't deny that it reminds me of something. No, not something... a lot of somethings. A certain time, or rather...an uncertain time.

Halloween night 2009....a little foreshadowing perhaps? :)

The day after after Halloween last year I didn't feel so good. Providencially, I had an opthomology apppointment on November 2nd for this "little vision problem" i had been having for about six weeks. The opthomologist was concerned and sent me to a neurologist. Actually, my neurologist whom i had seen about four years before when I had hydrocephalus. The neurologist took one look at the pictures from the opthomologist, and said yup, you are getting admitted to the hospital. I didn't mind because I already had a fever of 102 and for a girl with lupus and no spleen, i really oughta be in there anyway.

They had to admit me because they needed to check and see how much pressure was in my brain, and in order to do that they had to do a spinal tap (lumbar puncture). Wellp, I had been on a blood thinner medication for 6 months because of a blood clot in my brain found in April of that year. Sooo, they weren't gonna tap my spine until I wouldn't bleed profusely because of it.

They admitted me, my fever raged to 105. No exaggeration. I had to lay under an ice blanket for 6 hours. The most painful 6 hours of my life to date. Meanwhile, I had a blood transfusion to help thicken my blood to prepare for the spinal tap. aaaaaand, got an infection in my lungs from the transfusion. Lungs began to fill up with fluid, fever was still raging, still had something putting massive pressure on my brain. So, what to do but put me in a medically induced coma. Again, fine by me cause lets be honest, at this point I really wasn't feeling up to breathing on my own.

So, they put me on the ventillator. Translation, huge tube down my throat and little machine pumping my lungs for me. (I do NOT like this tube) and start doing the LPs. (lumbar punctures). The pressure if off the charts, literally....they can't even measure it. They do 5 more in the next 4 days. (OUCH!!) The doctors in Walnut Creek decide to transfer me to Redwood City Kaiser, because the neurological geniuses work there.

Kaiser Redwood City is where I remember waking up. In an MRI machine actually. I am told that I was awake before this, but as I say..this is where I remember waking up.

Neurogeniuses explain that what I have in my brain is not a tumor, its a mass, that at this time, is full of fluid. They decide not to operate, but instead pump me full of drugs to try to bring the pressure down. All the while, constantly asking me questions to check my brain function (insert sarcastic comment regarding my intelligence here.)

By a work of the Lord, the pressure begins to lighten. Neurogeniuses are stumped. They all tell me, I am a miracle. After a week in Redwood City, I get to go home. MRIs to follow every two months, then three months, and now at this point only one every six months.

Everytime I have spoken to the neurologist in the last year he tells me something along the lines of "you are lucky to be alive" or "there is just no explanation."

I will explain. Doctors, family and myself were all uncertain about what was going on and what was happening. My Creator, was not at all uncertain. He knows, He ordains, He allows, He controls, He rules everything. Life may seem uncertain to me at times, but those truths are not.

Deep Breaths

As I sit here and write, I can watch my chest rise and fall with each breath I take. It seems surreal that just three weeks ago, the people that love me were sitting next to me watching a machine perform this action for me, because I could no longer breathe on my own.

I like to sit on the couch and take deep breaths. . .simply because I can. There is no tube down my throat, I am not coughing up blood, I am just sitting here, breathing deep peaceful breaths.

But the beauty is that even when those other breaths were a struggle, I was just as much in the Lord’s hands as I am this moment. I was made weak. Broken physically to the point that I was put into a coma. There was no strength of my own to “pull me through.” God put me to sleep, and he woke me again. In His mercy and power he woke me again. And has continued to do so every morning. He draws me closer and closer to Himself by reminding me of these “simple mercies,” which as it turns out .. .. aren’t always so simple :)

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me- Psalm 3:5

Ice Cream . . .

is like fast food from the freezer. All you have to do is get it out of the freezer, put it in a bowl and eat it. its just awesome.

thinking too much about "The Queen"

A few nights ago I saw "The Queen." Its essentially about the monarchy in the United Kingdom and particularly, how the Queen responded to the death of Princess Diana. A lot of the movie details her personal dilemma of being what the people "need" and preserving the popularity of the monarchy while upholding tradition and what she feels is her personal duty.

A the end of the movie she is talking to Tony Blair and says that she has been taught all of her life to put "duty before self," always putting the monarchy before any personal desires, and that is what she has always thought the people wanted her to do. Tony Blair responds by saying that "perhaps it is time to modernize."

As i watched the movie, especially the closing dialogue, i couldn't help but think about the gospel. The movie was by NO means an analogy for the gospel, or even any sort of parallel, it just got me thinking.

Isnt duty before self what Jesus taught? Only, with the added twist that duty before self is in fact the greatest thing for self? That by no longer seeking to glorify self, and pursue the desires of self, but seeking God's glory and that which HE desires for us, we will actually receive that which is the absolute best for us, delighting in Him, and His greatness.

The problem arises i think, when we attempt to "modernize" things, by making God into what we think we need Him to be, by trying to change God, making Him into someone we are more comfortable with, instead of facing the reality of who He is, and trusting that He is good. When we modernize Him,  when we try to fit Him to our image and what we want instead of loving, adoring, revering and delighting in Him for who He actually is, we no longer delight, glorify and serve the God who is indeed God. A God by whom all good comes, by whom we receive our purpose, our joy, but instead we are serving a god we created to suit what we think we need at the time, and our desires, which i say are whimsical at best, and will never last. A god that will never give lasting reason to put duty and deity before self, but will only continue to push us to serve self first and foremost.

Running the Race

A few days ago I got new running shoes. I have had my old ones for three years, but never felt the need to replace them, but recently i changed my mind and for good reason . . .

over thanksgiving i spent a lot of time at doctor's offices because my lupus has been pretty bad for the last 8 months or so. Pretty bad meaning, I had been in pain just about every day, mostly in my arms and shoulders, but also in my knees, hands, toes and wrists. 

"being bad in my shoulders" meant that i had a lot of trouble lifting my arms above my head and lifting just about anything without getting shooting pains in my arms. the real bummer was that if i moved at all when i slept, i would get real bad pain that would wake me up so i hadnt been sleeping well for a long time. and when i dont get enough sleep, the inflammation and pain gets worse.

SOOO, when i went to see my amazing doctor and told him all of this, he did some great things for me. 1. gave me new medicine, and it works great. 2. gave me 4 cortisone shots, my arms felt better within two hours and literally haven't hurt since. 

all this to say, i sleep great every night, have tooooons of energy now, and have had zero pain anywhere for the last three weeks. which has made me real excited to actually run and excercise again!!!!! so, i got new running shoes!! (at the Rack by the way, for only $30)

I must say,  the Lord's providence in all of this has been astounding. A few nights before I received the new medicine and the cortisone, the Lord was reminding me of how much joy and hope he has bestowed upon me over the last few months. I was thinking a lot about Paul and the thorn in his side (2 Corinthians) and how he asked for it to be removed but it was not. And how Paul continued on in ministry anyway. I won't lie, I have asked for at least the pain to be removed but it never was. And I am so grateful for that. Because I know, without question, that it was only by the Lord's strength that I have been able to be on campus and doing ministry every day. Because most days, as i was wincing in pain while getting dressed,  you would think I would question my ability to get through that day, but i never did. The Lord never allowed me to. He would just remind me that I was going to do nothing that day, and He would do everything I needed and more. He would give me the strength and the joy. 

I pray that when and if the pain comes back again, I will count myself blessed to suffer, if it means the Lord's glory will be on display through the way he strengthens me in my weakness