Almost 1 year later

Halloween is coming soon. I don't dislike Halloween. I don't even dislike what Halloween reminds me of. But I can't deny that it reminds me of something. No, not something... a lot of somethings. A certain time, or rather...an uncertain time.

Halloween night 2009....a little foreshadowing perhaps? :)

The day after after Halloween last year I didn't feel so good. Providencially, I had an opthomology apppointment on November 2nd for this "little vision problem" i had been having for about six weeks. The opthomologist was concerned and sent me to a neurologist. Actually, my neurologist whom i had seen about four years before when I had hydrocephalus. The neurologist took one look at the pictures from the opthomologist, and said yup, you are getting admitted to the hospital. I didn't mind because I already had a fever of 102 and for a girl with lupus and no spleen, i really oughta be in there anyway.

They had to admit me because they needed to check and see how much pressure was in my brain, and in order to do that they had to do a spinal tap (lumbar puncture). Wellp, I had been on a blood thinner medication for 6 months because of a blood clot in my brain found in April of that year. Sooo, they weren't gonna tap my spine until I wouldn't bleed profusely because of it.

They admitted me, my fever raged to 105. No exaggeration. I had to lay under an ice blanket for 6 hours. The most painful 6 hours of my life to date. Meanwhile, I had a blood transfusion to help thicken my blood to prepare for the spinal tap. aaaaaand, got an infection in my lungs from the transfusion. Lungs began to fill up with fluid, fever was still raging, still had something putting massive pressure on my brain. So, what to do but put me in a medically induced coma. Again, fine by me cause lets be honest, at this point I really wasn't feeling up to breathing on my own.

So, they put me on the ventillator. Translation, huge tube down my throat and little machine pumping my lungs for me. (I do NOT like this tube) and start doing the LPs. (lumbar punctures). The pressure if off the charts, literally....they can't even measure it. They do 5 more in the next 4 days. (OUCH!!) The doctors in Walnut Creek decide to transfer me to Redwood City Kaiser, because the neurological geniuses work there.

Kaiser Redwood City is where I remember waking up. In an MRI machine actually. I am told that I was awake before this, but as I say..this is where I remember waking up.

Neurogeniuses explain that what I have in my brain is not a tumor, its a mass, that at this time, is full of fluid. They decide not to operate, but instead pump me full of drugs to try to bring the pressure down. All the while, constantly asking me questions to check my brain function (insert sarcastic comment regarding my intelligence here.)

By a work of the Lord, the pressure begins to lighten. Neurogeniuses are stumped. They all tell me, I am a miracle. After a week in Redwood City, I get to go home. MRIs to follow every two months, then three months, and now at this point only one every six months.

Everytime I have spoken to the neurologist in the last year he tells me something along the lines of "you are lucky to be alive" or "there is just no explanation."

I will explain. Doctors, family and myself were all uncertain about what was going on and what was happening. My Creator, was not at all uncertain. He knows, He ordains, He allows, He controls, He rules everything. Life may seem uncertain to me at times, but those truths are not.

Deep Breaths

As I sit here and write, I can watch my chest rise and fall with each breath I take. It seems surreal that just three weeks ago, the people that love me were sitting next to me watching a machine perform this action for me, because I could no longer breathe on my own.

I like to sit on the couch and take deep breaths. . .simply because I can. There is no tube down my throat, I am not coughing up blood, I am just sitting here, breathing deep peaceful breaths.

But the beauty is that even when those other breaths were a struggle, I was just as much in the Lord’s hands as I am this moment. I was made weak. Broken physically to the point that I was put into a coma. There was no strength of my own to “pull me through.” God put me to sleep, and he woke me again. In His mercy and power he woke me again. And has continued to do so every morning. He draws me closer and closer to Himself by reminding me of these “simple mercies,” which as it turns out .. .. aren’t always so simple :)

I lay down and slept; I woke again, for the Lord sustained me- Psalm 3:5

Ice Cream . . .

is like fast food from the freezer. All you have to do is get it out of the freezer, put it in a bowl and eat it. its just awesome.

thinking too much about "The Queen"

A few nights ago I saw "The Queen." Its essentially about the monarchy in the United Kingdom and particularly, how the Queen responded to the death of Princess Diana. A lot of the movie details her personal dilemma of being what the people "need" and preserving the popularity of the monarchy while upholding tradition and what she feels is her personal duty.

A the end of the movie she is talking to Tony Blair and says that she has been taught all of her life to put "duty before self," always putting the monarchy before any personal desires, and that is what she has always thought the people wanted her to do. Tony Blair responds by saying that "perhaps it is time to modernize."

As i watched the movie, especially the closing dialogue, i couldn't help but think about the gospel. The movie was by NO means an analogy for the gospel, or even any sort of parallel, it just got me thinking.

Isnt duty before self what Jesus taught? Only, with the added twist that duty before self is in fact the greatest thing for self? That by no longer seeking to glorify self, and pursue the desires of self, but seeking God's glory and that which HE desires for us, we will actually receive that which is the absolute best for us, delighting in Him, and His greatness.

The problem arises i think, when we attempt to "modernize" things, by making God into what we think we need Him to be, by trying to change God, making Him into someone we are more comfortable with, instead of facing the reality of who He is, and trusting that He is good. When we modernize Him,  when we try to fit Him to our image and what we want instead of loving, adoring, revering and delighting in Him for who He actually is, we no longer delight, glorify and serve the God who is indeed God. A God by whom all good comes, by whom we receive our purpose, our joy, but instead we are serving a god we created to suit what we think we need at the time, and our desires, which i say are whimsical at best, and will never last. A god that will never give lasting reason to put duty and deity before self, but will only continue to push us to serve self first and foremost.

Running the Race

A few days ago I got new running shoes. I have had my old ones for three years, but never felt the need to replace them, but recently i changed my mind and for good reason . . .

over thanksgiving i spent a lot of time at doctor's offices because my lupus has been pretty bad for the last 8 months or so. Pretty bad meaning, I had been in pain just about every day, mostly in my arms and shoulders, but also in my knees, hands, toes and wrists. 

"being bad in my shoulders" meant that i had a lot of trouble lifting my arms above my head and lifting just about anything without getting shooting pains in my arms. the real bummer was that if i moved at all when i slept, i would get real bad pain that would wake me up so i hadnt been sleeping well for a long time. and when i dont get enough sleep, the inflammation and pain gets worse.

SOOO, when i went to see my amazing doctor and told him all of this, he did some great things for me. 1. gave me new medicine, and it works great. 2. gave me 4 cortisone shots, my arms felt better within two hours and literally haven't hurt since. 

all this to say, i sleep great every night, have tooooons of energy now, and have had zero pain anywhere for the last three weeks. which has made me real excited to actually run and excercise again!!!!! so, i got new running shoes!! (at the Rack by the way, for only $30)

I must say,  the Lord's providence in all of this has been astounding. A few nights before I received the new medicine and the cortisone, the Lord was reminding me of how much joy and hope he has bestowed upon me over the last few months. I was thinking a lot about Paul and the thorn in his side (2 Corinthians) and how he asked for it to be removed but it was not. And how Paul continued on in ministry anyway. I won't lie, I have asked for at least the pain to be removed but it never was. And I am so grateful for that. Because I know, without question, that it was only by the Lord's strength that I have been able to be on campus and doing ministry every day. Because most days, as i was wincing in pain while getting dressed,  you would think I would question my ability to get through that day, but i never did. The Lord never allowed me to. He would just remind me that I was going to do nothing that day, and He would do everything I needed and more. He would give me the strength and the joy. 

I pray that when and if the pain comes back again, I will count myself blessed to suffer, if it means the Lord's glory will be on display through the way he strengthens me in my weakness

Oopsies

Today . .. was an entertaining day. On my way to campus I was walking by the parking lot and there was a kid riding his bike. He was kinda swerving around and goofing off but then he braked really hard and skidded and almost fell off. But THEN, he decided to go up a curb, wherein he hit the curb too hard and the bike stopped . . . and he kept going, off the bike. Dont worry, he was fine, he didnt fall that hard. But the thing is, i secretly laughed pretty hard.

At the end of the day i was walking back to my car and there was a kid skateboarding. same situation, he was swerving and messing around and then he fell. but not lightly. he fell real hard. and in the middle of the street. he was ok too. i asked him. he was bleeding but mostly ok. but i kinda giggled at him too.

so i started thinking about all of the times i have fallen. i fall a lot. its because i am so uncoordinated. whats really funny about when i trip is that i always look around for other people. i am not sure if i want there to be people that saw me or not.

in the end i have decided its better to fall on your face with a bunch of people that you know so that you can laugh at it. if you fall on your face and laugh when you're by yourself, you look uncoordinated and crazy. when ur with people, you just look uncoordinated. 

i have deep thoughts today

Crazy Blessed

I have been feeling like life is a little bittersweet right now. The thing is that I am pretty sure that i have the most amazing friends, more amazing than you would ever think possible. But the other thing is that over the last few months everyone has moved away from each other. And they are all doing the most amazing things, international and short term missions, seminary, entering the work force, getting married and so on. So i really cant be bummed, because i am so excited for all of them. Everything that comes to me is from the Lord's ordination or permission, and by the same cause sometimes leaves as well.

The Lord has blessed me greatly with people who have challenged me and help me grow, and i can be nothing but grateful to the Lord for them. I was not owed them, but in His mercy the Lord chose to bless me. But the beauty of the Body of Christ is some of that which i lacked, i learned from them and so the Lord has blessed me eternally because of them. . . even if they did move away. :)

so i guess the point of this post is another lesson - people are going to come and go, but it is by the will of the Lord which i trust in my soul, so praise God for them while they were here, and praise God for them for where they are going.

but you know you all better come visit me . . .:)